early christmas eve morning, i arrived at my mother's house with lots and lots of gifts, a santa-claus-worthy bag full of laundry, and one hell of a starbucks buzz. my sister (who flew in with my niece all the way from las vegas!) and cousin were eating breakfast at the kitchen table. they got up and i hugged them, then breathed for the first time in a couple weeks. i tiptoed into the guest room where my perfect, genius two-year old niece was sleeping off her jet lag.
"hi, sydney," i whispered, "auntie loves you so much." she mumbled something and turned over. i almost cried.
the next day, my father, brother, sister-in-law, and baby niece arrived. we had an old-fashioned coller family christmas, full of lots of food and presents and weird goodness. at one point, i was in the kitchen doing the dishes, and the rest of the family was in the living room. laugher erupted. my niece then came running into the kitchen.
"auntie?" she asked.
"everybody's crazy," she said.
"i know, sweetie," i said, "i know."
thus ends the sweet and charming part of this week. sorry.
after a wonderful few days with the family, my mom and i brought my sister and niece to the airport yesterday. then we went to a doctor's appointment, where i talked my way out of having to have a blood transfusion, and into the easier procrit shot. i guess that i'm quite seriously anemic these days.
and today, i went to boston. you all know how these stories end. frustration and indecision. again.
the good news is that the spot in my lung that was cancerous is now in remission. the bad news is that there is a new spot of activity underneath it.
i know. it sucks. i'm furious.
but there is a chance, and the impression that i'm getting is that it's about 50/50, that the activity is an infection or some other non-cancerous thing. so the plan? you guessed it. hurry up and wait. two weeks of antibiotics, and two weeks of rest, then another scan. a month to wait! arrrgh!
i did yell at the doctors in boston, and hopefully scared them into doing less pussyfoooting around with me. (emphasis on pussy there...)
anyways, that's what's going on. it sucks, but i'll deal, because i always do. but i'm lucky, very lucky to have a great family and group of friends to yell to and cry with and such.
i'm banking on 2006 being a good year. or at least an improvement on 2005. i mean, come on- it has to be.
when i was a child, and there was a snowstorm on a school day, my sweet, early-rising mother would always listen to the radio at 6 a.m., and if the news was good, she would creep into our bedrooms and shut off our alarm clocks, so that we children could sleep in. i would wake up, groggy, sometime around 10 or 11, and panic briefly before looking outside, and seeing the snow-covered street. then i'd wander downstairs and make an enormous breakfast, and settle in front of the t.v., where i'd watch such educational programming as "the price is right," and "all my children." there were bad movies and hot cholcolate and snowball fights. life was good.
yesterday at work, we began to hear rumors of a decent sized storm, that would be arriving overnight and continuing today. my boss and i, and all of our clients sighed at the inconvenience, and made plans to go to the grocery store and stock up on food and other essentials. i woke up this morning to my alarm, at the regular time, and looked outside. as i was waking up, and grumbling about how much i hate new england, i decided to check my e-mail. my boss had sent me a message saying that conditions were really bad, and not to bother coming in.
briefly, i experienced great joy- yay! a day off!
after a moment, though, i thought- can i really afford a day off? and what the hell am i going to do, trapped in my apartment all day by myself?
then, the optimistic part of me took back over, and i thought- well, i'll do all of the things that i've been meaning to do! work on my novel, clean my apartment, do some knitting, order christmas gifts online!
yet here i still sit, in my pjs on the futon, having accomplished none of these things. oh, well. i guess that's what a snow day is for.
well, i actually do suppose that i did accomplish one thing- i have updated my blog. and i suppose updating my blog would not be complete without a rundown of the medical situation.
on monday, i will have my last chemo. i can not wait to be done being nauseated and tired all the time. hooray. then what happens next, is that i go to boston on the 30th for a scan and to speak with the doctor. so in theory, i should know what's going on next on the 30th, just in time for the new year. but you folks all know how much i trust the big jerks in boston- about as far as i can fucking throw them. but at the very least, i should know something. and that will be at least some sort of comfort.
the holiday season is fast approaching. i don't have my little charlie brown apartment-sized tree up yet, but i have piled the gifts that i've already bought in the corner where it usually stands. occasionally, i look over there and smile, thinking of how much i've been looking forward to this christmas, being with both of my beautiful little nieces, and hanging out with my crazy-in-the-good-way family.
so happy snow day to me. maybe i'll put the tree up, maybe i won't. either way, i'll make some hot chocolate. and it's almost time for "all my children."