Andrea Coller's Blog
Sunday, September 26, 2004
so, i am just now experiencing my first TRUE day off in about 2 weeks. it is very, very nice for me. so far, at least. i am still on my futon with my giant foot pillow i've had since i was three, and i had TASTYKAKES for breakfast, cause i wanted them and cause my Daddy brought them to me for my birthday, all the way from Pennsylvania. can't waste 'em.

so this week... my friends and i went to packard's on monday night for our customary birthday celebration with cute kate as our waitress, where we ate lots and drank some and played pool and with the jukebox. meredith and i decided that we simply must cover 'i touch myself', especially when the band gets to tour all the gay bars in austin. yes, we're hoping to do that during the winter, when the hair business is slow and the lampshade factory is closed so meredith has off anyways, and matt is home from college. yay for stepkids gigs!!

tuesday was fairly crappy, as i had to go to the doctor and schedule all of my medical bullshit. it's at once the hardest and easiest thing to forget about: i'll be having a good time and wondering why i'm not having a great time, and then i'll realize that i'm worried about being too near to smoking, or eating too much sugar, or soy, and somehow aggravating the stupid cells in my body. but yeah, pet scan on tuesday at 7:45 AM. yuck. and my carlessness is especially aggravating then, cause i have to find a willing friend to take me. my best brother in the world, and sister in law will prolly tag team it. the pet scan is way worse than the cat scan cause it's all segregated and there's weird radiation and injections and it's NO fun. the sounds it makes sound like orcs and are just as scary. and you're not allowed to have a walk man either. bummer.

but the good side of tuesday was that i saw my mommy and she bought me pretty shoes for my birthday (kenneth cole pointy kitten heel, black with pink and blue, ohh...) and we had lunch and fun.

thursday night meredith and i busted out my old four track and laid down 'every now and then' and 'window.' then we got tired of that and went out dancing at diva's and it was the BEST time!!! thursday night is no cover and they play 80s music! i highly, highly recommend it. the music kept going even after last call and it ended up being almost 2 by the time we got home. and yeah, i was hurting a little bit going in friday morning, but that's all right. my first appointment cancelled anyways.

yeah, so i'm still tired but i want to spend my birthday money, so i'm off to shop. more later.
Monday, September 20, 2004
my birthday horoscope:

A foggy day

Today you may feel inclined to keep a secret or hold back information in order to avoid a confrontation with someone. It is not good to do this, because it will only contribute to the fog of confusion and unclarity that surrounds you during this time. For the same reasons, avoid any form of misrepresentation or distortion of the truth, even if you think it might be politic to mislead someone. In every way you should strive to keep all your communication and thinking clear, lucid, factual and rooted in the real world. If you try to avoid confrontations by acting evasively under this influence, you will run up against even more demoralizing confrontations later. Also be careful in any kind of negotiations or business dealings today, because you could be the victim of misrepresentation, even if you are not the perpetrator.

how do they always know these things???? you can't hide from the stars...

as long as i can remember, i always have. no, really. i remember very distinctly refusing to open a present that i knew was the 'american girl' doll that i had always wanted. it took my mom a couple of days to get me to open it and say thank you. and i did it just to make her stop feeling bad about having this strange-ass child who hated her birthday. and as i've grown into adulthood, it's just seemed as though each one just gets more and more craptastic. not even just cause of self-loathing. i woke up in a fairly good disposition, but by the time i got to work, i had already lost my keys, fallen down, drawn blood, ripped the only jeans that i truly have ever loved, and spilled coffee all over myself and the floor.

i can't help but take this as a bad sign.

i feel like all i ever do on my blog anymore is whine. i apologize for that. i remember the great days of yore where i witfully observed life and wrote heartfelt, meaningful things about recovery and forgiveness and such. now all i do is bitch. a thousand apologies. it's like i have one friend who is a therapist, and he ends up asking questions about 'what's wrong,' cause it's his occupation and all, so i feel like all i ever do is bitch to him. i catch myself doing it and i'm like, "hey, as long as we're working here, you want a haircut?" but i am sorry.

i promise to catch up more with y'all when i don't feel like playing in traffic. (again.)
Sunday, September 19, 2004
well, folks, it's been a long time. tons of stuff has happened since i last fully blogged. my boss and i went to graham webb academy in new york, into the woods was cast, i had a surprise party, saw friends from far away, and there were clowns and goats and magicians!!! welll, not really, but that sounds fancier.

so new york... barbara and i caught the bus out of springfield at about 5:30 in the morning last sunday, which meant we had to wake up at 3:30. and andrea, well, she's not so great at getting to sleep these days. so, i had about a good hour of sleep in me, and can not sleep in public (which i don't necessarily consider to be a bad thing), so we arrived in new york around 9:30 at port authority WAY tired. i, for some reason, was put in charge of navigation, so that was interesting. that, and "30 rockefeller plaza" doesn't really give you a good idea where to go if you don't know the city, so it was a little stressful. just saying "the NBC building" would have helped a little more. so we arrived at 30 Rockefeller plaza with about five minutes to spare. we rushed in and went to the information desk and the dude said, "let me guess... you're looking for The Studio?" i guess we looked like a couple of lost hairdressers. fair enough.

class was great, the city was great. it was overall, very educational and fun. i set myself a budget and stayed way within it, had dinner at serendipity one night and at the rainbow room on the other. i made serveral girly purchases; purple shoes, sparkly blue eye shadow, and the nicest (material) gift that i've ever given myself.

if you are ever in new york city, have ovaries, and happen to be walking in the vicinity of fifth and fifty-seventh, something will pull you in. shiny, shiny, sparkly, expensive things. tiffany. tiffany. tiffany.on the third floor, where they keep the more "affordable" items, i fell in love with something. i went in thinking that i would not buy something just to buy something from tiffany, to have that beautiful blue box. but it spoke to me. i tracked down a saleslady and said, " i need to try that on." i tried it on. it fit. i said, "I want it." she looked shocked. i handed her my credit card. she rung it up. i thought, "oh, shit. i just bough a necklace at tiffany." she gave me the bag and box. i walked over to my boss and said, "remind me how many times you live?" she did. and then i was happy. i got a really beautiful sterling silver necklace with a cutout star shape. sooooo pretty. and i do not care that i blew about half of my paycheck.

so after the tiffany experience, we had about 45 minutes to get to the port authority. but my boss decided that we had to go back to benetton "on the way," since all of our stuff was still at the studio. well, let me tell you, we made that bus with not more than a few moments to spare. i miss the city now. it's weird to realize how small-town northampton really is.

more later...
Friday, September 17, 2004
so there's news and there's news. but i'm way too tired to tell you all of it right now. i just wanted to break the news about 'into the woods.' i am the giant and snow white. yup. both. whatever. i don't really get to sing or be in it much, but then again, i'm not sure how much i care anymore. i did take a quiz online, and it is confirmed, i am the witch! see? i get to sing the best songs! well, not in actual reality, but in the production that exists in my head alone. anyways, here i am.You're the witch... the most mysterious and complex of all the characters.  There is one person you love, but forcing them to love you back isn't going to work.
The Witch

Which Into The Woods character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

i got a much nicer rack, huh?

so new york was awesome, and i'll telll you all about that later. my friends were the best to me last night. just a teaser, sorry. i've had a little too much wine.

Friday, September 10, 2004
yes, it's late again. i have a headache. i am dead, dead tired.

i just finished packing for new york. i am as excited as my tired little brain will allow. i got to sleep, finally, at about 530 this morning, and woke up around 8. yuck.

after work, meredith and i spent some quality time. we went shopping at sid vintage and faces (pronounced fah-chayze) and roz's, and she found some good stuff. then we feasted at taipei and tokyo, the most completely underrated restaurant in northampton. we had nice fresh sushi and egg rolls and orange beef. yum. then we went over to PACE, where we caught the last half of our friend steve biegner's show. we ran into the 50 Ways and chatted with the PACE crew, then headed over to Diva's to dance. it was a little dead in there, but it was still fun to grab a drink and boogie down to the extra-dirty version of 'justify my love.'

and we made the decision that we will tour sometime this winter, in austin, chicago, or both. yay for the stepkids getting out and about! we're coming to a city near you, folks.

i shall be at graham webb academy until tuesday night. no internet access, yikes.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
i can't sleep and i just wrote an entire fucking post that got lost somewhere in the chasm of the internet JUST BECAUSE MY LIFE FUCKING SUCKS.

but i'm not in a hospital bed.


not in a hospital bed.


okay. you know, i really hate insomnia. it just makes everything in the entire world worse. i'm just so tired of dragging all the time. some people are saying it's the weather- all the molds and crap floating around in the air, and the torrential rain we've been experiencing. i don't know. it's just put me in a foul place.

i wrote a witty and touching paragraph about recently becoming a member of the yellow bracelet club. (the website doesn't work so well if you have a mac, which sucks.) you'll just have to try to look at it cause i ain't reconstructing it now. cause it's gone.

i also told y'all that i auuditioned for 'into the woods' at PACE and got a call back. that was cool, except that call backs are on sunday, when i will be in new york for work, at graham webb academy. this always, always happens to me. i worked really really hard to get my low growly bluesy voice to do all the soprano shit necessary for the part that i want, and this was noticed by the director. problem is, my chances of getting the part are slim to none, just because i can't be at call backs, through absolutely no fault of my own. this always happens to me when i work my ass off for something it alwaqys totally slips through my fingers in a really annoying way. i always miss things because of stupid technicalities. in the immortal words of homer simpson, "there's a lesson here. the lesson is: NEVER try."

meredith and i are going shopping tomorrow, and that should soothe my soul a little bit. i saw a cheesy tshirt that said 'shopping is my therapy' and i really wanted it. i figured it would be funny. but it's not funny unless you know me. otherwise i just look like a twentysomething in a 13-year-old's tshirt. and that's just not pretty.

if i can actually sleep tomorrow night, i likely won't be able to blog til i get back from new york. i will fill my posts with all sorts of boring technical hairdresser language. you'll love it.

sing me a lullabye...
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
so this is becoming a sort of habit- the blog gets updated as andrea loses sleep. brilliant.

so how was everyone's labor day weekend? mine mildly sucked. i labored. i always work saturdays (which i loathe, though i love my job), and PACE was open on monday, so i worked. only getting one day off is a pain in the ass. not good for one's mood.

also not good for one's mood: clothes shopping, which i attempted today. i found it much, much easier to buy clothing when i shopped in the plus size stores. i don't get why it all has to be aggravating. then when i was on the bus home, there was an ad up above the windows that said, "don't weigh your self-esteem."it was sponsored by the five-colleges and had pictures of people's feet on scales. yeah, i'll get right on that one, buddy. what is that supposed to mean? i mean, i get the intent, but is someone really going to cease his or her eating disorder because of that sign? all it did for me was to make me feel a little more humiliated. i don't know why, considering no one was berating me but me.

my boss and i are leaving for graham webb academy in new york at the asscrack of dawn on sunday morning. it's going to be really educational and fun, and great for my career and all, but i really really really really just need a damn vacation. after i got better, i went straight back to work. so really, even though i had a couple months off being sick, it was no vacation to speak of. i don't reckon i'll get a real vacation until next summer. i'd like to go away somewhere or something, but yes, that does take money, which i do not have.

i have been completely avoiding my doctors. it's a very bad thing to do, especially when they're trying to follow up with you after you've had a major procedure such as a stem cell transplant. but i was able to finally get in touch with my local oncologist's office to tell them I'M NOT DEAD. i allowed them to schedule an appointment for me, which prompted me to then get off my lazy ass and reschedule my dana farber appointment which was supposed to be for next week, for the beginning of october, i'll have a cat scan there sometime in the middle of all that. that's the scary part-we'll see if it's all working out ok. i really kind of don't want to know. i'm not quite sure what i'd do, both literally and figuratively, if things were not to be ok. it causes a lot of worry. sleepless nights, like this one.

i have to take solace in the small consolation that i kicked ass at poker night tonight, and that graham webb academy will be awesome. and that i have hair again. multi-colored hair. the best kind.

speaking of my hair, i never did have that festivity to celebrate its return. (i really just didn't want the hubris of a cancer-free party.) i am thinking of instead just having a birthday thingie-- on sept. 18th, 2 days before my birthday, my buddy seth horan is playing at the basement in noho. it will be my main celebration, i think, or maybe i'll have it at open mic on my actual birthday. actually, what will likely happen is that i'll get drunk and refuse presents and generally be unhappy. that's how my birthdays usually go.

ain't self-loathing grand?
Thursday, September 02, 2004
well, i can't sleep, and that sucks big time. i'm halfway excited about the trip to graham webb academy, halfway nervous about auditioning for into the woods, halfway nervous about calling my doctor, halfway dreading all the stupid work i have to do before i go to new york.

yes, i do realize that all those halves make a couple wholes. but i am a big girl, and i can handle that. or, i should be able to handle that.

i think, as i get older, i just get to be a lousier, more impatient, more forgetful, terrible person. i am the worst sister ever, as i have forgotten to call my sister for her birthday for the past three days in a row. i haven't returned a single phone call to my doctor's office, who actually called my mother to MAKE SURE I WASN'T DEAD. well, of course, they didn't say that to her, but you know what the oncologist's office starts to think when one of their patients goes AWOL... i am such an asshole that when they left me a message to say that they'd called my mother and they'd like to see me, i still ignored it for a week. but i am vowing to myself to suck it up and call tomorrow, and just hope i only have to talk to the receptionist.

i also must call dana farber to reschedule my appointment there, and that wiill be a little bit hellish, because it is the MOST CONFUSED PLACE EVER. it's kind of sad that they're so so busy because there are so many people who have cancer, but it's still annoying as anything to try and make an appointment there.

i still have flashbacks. it'll be about five months soon since i've been out of there, but sometimes i still feel like i'm in that horrible little room, sick as a dog. i have total ptsd from that whole experience, i'm sure of it. part of the reason that i'm looking for a third job and am always busy is that it helps me not to think about anything i've been through. i'm proud of myself for not partying to get rid of it, but now i'm a work- and shop- aholic. (it doesn't matter that i have no money, i can bring home several items on a ten dollar budget.)

and it just gets later and later, and i just get annoyed, cause i need a vacation but refuse to call in sick to work. i have never, in my life, called in to work. not even when i worked the switchboard at caldor, and would get yelled at ALL day because i didn't know things like whether there were any clearance tee shirts left in blue. that was the shittiest job ever. but now i love my job, and am too personally involved in it, because it's a small business, to be able to call in. if i'm not there, everyone else has to bust their ass to pick up the slack.

sorry about the whining. but isn't that what blogs are for?
Singer, Songwriter, Author, Stylist, and Poor Man's Carrie Bradshaw Speaks...

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