Andrea Coller's Blog
well, folks, i was a witness to northampton history today. i walked out of the haymarket's back door with my iced coffee (the best in the world), and saw that a tow truck was blocking crackerbarrel alley. yes, they towed that brown car that has sat there for as long as i can remember. i didn't know if the owner or the city ended up towing it. we'll have to stay tuned to the local news to figure out what happened. but i said a little prayer for that little brown car, and went on my way. don't laugh, you out-of-towners- this is what it's like to be a noho townie. these are the things that we care about.
so let me break the news about me. it's bad, but i'll be fine. i'm going to see my pals at dana farber on thursday to see what their plan is for me. and then, this time, i'm gonna shop around. maybe houston, sloan kettering, johns hopkins... it's my third cancer diagnosis in four years. and it sucks. but i'll deal. i'm tougher, and smarter this time around, and i have even more friends to send me love and help me out. i love you all.
i'm so jonesing for falcon ridge right now. if me and meredith can't throw together a last minute submission for the artist showcase, then i am going to send out my own stuff, and try to bring her up on stage if i get in. it's been difficult to get in so far, but i'm going to give it a whirl yet again. it's hard to see far into the future. if i have to reschedule chemo again to go to falcon ridge, i will. i will be there no matter what.
i also decided that i'm going to las vegas for my niece's second birthday party in the beginning of june. she's a genius and i love her more than anything.
i'll let you guys know as soon as i know anything else.
so, for you non-massachusettsians (massachusians? massachusisites? ah, well, you get it), today is "patriots' day." what this means, is that there's the boston marathon, and an afternoon sox game, and half of the state gets the day off while the other half has to work, and hates the other half. and i guess we all think about partiotism. right.
but it's another absolutely gorgeous day, and i am spending it in the cafe at pace, where i can look outside and wish i was there, at the very least.
so it's wrong of me to have kept you all in suspense at my health news. but the news so far is that i don't know much more than i knew the last time that i blogged. i went to the doctor last tuesday, and he told me that the "change" was something that was contained in my lung, and was nowhere else. he said that it was possible that it was just scar tissue, but it was also possible that it wasn't. so i am having a PET scan tomorrow, which is the really fun thing where they shoot you up with sugar and radioisotopes and if you have cancer, the cancer eats the sugar and the radiation makes it light up. enjoyable, huh? but my doctor also said that even if it does light up, it's still possible that it's remnants from last time that are making it light up, and it could still be a false alarm. we cna only hope. and wait. and i fucking HATE waiting.
but i do have the world's best mom. she promised me that after the evil scan, we would take ourselves out to lunch, and then go shoe shopping. sadly, shoe shopping is the one thing that can take my mind off of anything. i just have the ability to lock in on shape and form and color and comfort and fabulousness and not think of anything else. thank god for small favors.
i promise to keep y'all in the know as soon as i know something.
well, folks, i do greatly regret my lack of blogging lately. i guess it's especially difficult for those of you who are far away friends, and rely on the blog for updates on my quasi-personal life. for your up-to-date information, it is presently 3:49 PM, i am at PACE, and i am listening to the Red Sox home opener. mirabelli just hit a home run. aw yeah. that's the good stuff.
so i should probably wait til tomorrow to say anything to y'all folks on the internets (yes, both of them), but i'm having a little bit of a scare. last week, i had my one year post stem-call transplant cat scan. this was tuesday. on wednesday i was edgy. on thursday, i called to see if any results were in. the phone call i got back from the nurse basically said that there was a "change" on the scan, and that my doctor would likely order a PET scan, and he'd talk to me about it more at my appointment tomorrow. i keep seeing the bad side, and having all sorts of symptoms that i didn't have before i got the news. i keep thinking that this is the end, that it's time to do things like give all my little scraps of money and possessions away, that i should just take my guitar and my notebooks into the woods, and write songs and finish my book, then disappear.
but everyone says that it will be fine.
and it's quite possible that they are right. it just keeps gnawing at me that this is exactly how it started last time. i guess that i just won't know anything else until tomorrow, when i will likely find out exactly where this "change" has occurred. and after that, i have my PET, and then wait.
i fucking hate waiting.
but i still have some hope. and i'm still nuts, so i go around feeling like every time someone says "it will be fine," they really mean, "god, you are SO overreacting. would you shut up with your stupid cancer already?" i know absolutely that i have the greatest friends in the whole world, and that they'd never say, or mean, anything like that. still doesn't keep out the crazy.
i made a list of things to make sure to do if i end up being on my way out, as it were. interesting things that came out of me: "work less, but don't stop." (why?) "start working out." (what?) "be happy." (who IS this talking?) "maintain a fabulous wardrobe." (oh yeah. that is me in there.)
so, i love you all. hope i don't die. go sox.