Andrea Coller's Blog
Monday, April 11, 2005
well, folks, i do greatly regret my lack of blogging lately. i guess it's especially difficult for those of you who are far away friends, and rely on the blog for updates on my quasi-personal life. for your up-to-date information, it is presently 3:49 PM, i am at PACE, and i am listening to the Red Sox home opener. mirabelli just hit a home run. aw yeah. that's the good stuff.

so i should probably wait til tomorrow to say anything to y'all folks on the internets (yes, both of them), but i'm having a little bit of a scare. last week, i had my one year post stem-call transplant cat scan. this was tuesday. on wednesday i was edgy. on thursday, i called to see if any results were in. the phone call i got back from the nurse basically said that there was a "change" on the scan, and that my doctor would likely order a PET scan, and he'd talk to me about it more at my appointment tomorrow. i keep seeing the bad side, and having all sorts of symptoms that i didn't have before i got the news. i keep thinking that this is the end, that it's time to do things like give all my little scraps of money and possessions away, that i should just take my guitar and my notebooks into the woods, and write songs and finish my book, then disappear.

but everyone says that it will be fine.

and it's quite possible that they are right. it just keeps gnawing at me that this is exactly how it started last time. i guess that i just won't know anything else until tomorrow, when i will likely find out exactly where this "change" has occurred. and after that, i have my PET, and then wait.

i fucking hate waiting.

but i still have some hope. and i'm still nuts, so i go around feeling like every time someone says "it will be fine," they really mean, "god, you are SO overreacting. would you shut up with your stupid cancer already?" i know absolutely that i have the greatest friends in the whole world, and that they'd never say, or mean, anything like that. still doesn't keep out the crazy.

i made a list of things to make sure to do if i end up being on my way out, as it were. interesting things that came out of me: "work less, but don't stop." (why?) "start working out." (what?) "be happy." (who IS this talking?) "maintain a fabulous wardrobe." (oh yeah. that is me in there.)

so, i love you all. hope i don't die. go sox.
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