so maybe that last entry was a little unfair. i do not wish to cause the audience of my blogging worry. sorry. i would never actually shoot myself. but playing in traffic may be an option... kidding!
one of my favorite quotes from 'a christmas story' is when ralphie says, 'i could feel the christmas noose beginning to tighten.' it's not that i don't very much enjoy the holidays, it's that i feel that i am spread so thin that i don't even get to enjoy picking out gifts for people. it feels so wonderful to me when i can get something that i know is exactly perfect for that particular person. this year i feel like all i'm doing is trying to find things to fill up the boxes that i have to wrap. not a great way of looking at things.
it always comes down to the fact that i should be enormously grateful to have lived to see another christmas, after the way last year went. maybe that's why i try to fill my life up so much. maybe that's why i have two paying jobs and a volunteer job and a band and a novel and an open mic to host and take care of; i'm trying to cram it all in there so i don't miss anything. but in cramming it, i'm losing the importance of EVERYTHING. and that's my fault. it's easy to get mad at the world. but it's my fault.
meredith and i played on the streets of northampton this afternoon; it went really well, and was the first time that i've felt happy in a long time. little kids smiled and droped change in our jar when we sang the grinch song. the people at starbucks gave us free coffee in exchange for singing when we came in to warm up. someone heard us sing and asked us to play at her wedding. seriously. she took my card.
we went to vespers at smith, too. it was like a big churchy service with all sorts of high-falutin choir crap going on. it was good for me, cause i've been thinking how i should really be going to church during advent, but i've been desperately in neeed of sleep, so i haven't been getting up early enough on sundays. but it was a good day overall.
now monday. back to stress and no sleep. i'm thinking, after the holidays, i have to pare down my life a little. lose some of the stress. be more moderate about the things that i take on. remember to breathe, while i still can.